The cost for our help is trusting in Christ, and building your faith.
We are living in a world that seems to be falling apart, and the main causes are greed, self-will, anger, power, failing relationships, finances, drinking and drugs, depression, and the list can go on and on, its endless.
In this world that man is trying to play god and the Government system, that is causing fear to be the main controling factor that they use against the public.
Everyday we see more and more control of the public by the Government, but most have their eyes closed to the cause, because of what they would like to believe.
The government presents something that appears to be good for us, but it has another main function and that is to control all of mankind because of need.
Look over the following list and see if you fit into any of the catagories.
If you see something that you or someone else is going through and feel help is needed before it gets deeper, please e-mail me and we can set up arrangments to communicate on the issue(s).
Contact information other than e-mail
Evangelist Gary R. Wolfe
519 hemlockhill Lane
Jonestown, PA. 17038
Home Phone: (717) 865-0801
Gary: (717) 580-3894
Chris: (717)-580-6750
You can also sign our guest book and leave information if you desire...Thank you for visiting our site and we hope we can be of help.
Giving Your Worries to God • Dealing With Anger • Healing Your Mind, Body, and Spirit Together • Letting Faith Help You Handle Stress • Walking With God Through Grief and Loss • When Your Prayers Go Unanswered • Making Sense Out of Suffering • Climbing Up From Depression • Slowing Down and Finding God in Your Busy Life
Like any emotion, anger is a form of energy. Energy never goes away; it just gets changed and redirected into different forms. So, managing anger doesn't involve simply eliminating it. Suppressing anger—trying to beat it down—can have harmful effects, too, like raising blood pressure, contributing to depression, or leading to problems with the way one relates to others. Managing anger is about dealing with the energy you feel inside, and finding constructive ways to react to those feelings inside. Ultimately, responsibility for anger is one's own, not another's. And whatever one's individual situation, one can take some practical, basic steps—to help manage anger.
Feelings like happiness, sadness, fear, and anger are all part of being alive and being you. Go ahead and feel your feelings. It's good to be you!
You might think it's bad to feel angry, but that's not true. It's natural to feel angry when you think you are not being treated fairly. It's how you show your anger that can sometimes be a problem for you or those around you.
The idea of nurturing happiness first as a way of lowering stress may seem like a case of putting the cart before the horse, The insights of many people, as well as the findings of current medical studies, indicate that the idea of lowering stress through cultivating happiness is both sound and practical.
The loss of a pet is often a child's first experience with death. If your family pet dies, be honest about what happened. Encourage your child to talk about how much fun you had with your pet, its unique personality or characteristics, and how much you will miss it. You might want to plan a special funeral and burial, followed by some kind of snack or meal. (When you think about it, food is part of the death ritual of every culture.)
If a friend or relative has died, tell your child as soon as you are able. Children are very perceptive when something is amiss in the family. Your child may have already overheard someone talking about the death, or she may just sense something is wrong. Be simple, direct, and honest: "I have something sad to tell you. Aunt Dorothy died today. She was very sick, and the doctors were not able to make her well again. We will all miss her very much."
Just as your beliefs about life after death are a comfort to you, so they can be for your child. Explain to her, in the language and images of your own faith tradition, that even though Aunt Dorothy's body died, her spirit lives on. Tell your child that Aunt Dorothy is at peace with God, and that we believe we will all be together again someday. Talk about how we can honor Aunt Dorothy's special spirit by sharing our memories of her.
Many parents wonder whether children belong at funeral and burial services. A child five or older should be given the choice to attend, provided you prepare her for what to expect, and she is accompanied by an adult who will care for her if she becomes bored or tired. Excluding your child from the funeral rituals denies her the opportunity to say her last good-bye within the comforting embrace of friends and relatives.
Ages 4-6
For a younger child, a simple but clear explanation is best: "Grandpa died this morning. His body was broken and the doctors were not able to fix it." Be sure not to say he "passed away," or is "sleeping," which sounds as if he's just gone temporarily. Don't say he "got sick and died," as your child may fear she will die too when she gets sick.
A younger child may think she caused the death by misbehaving or thinking bad thoughts, or that if she is very good, she can bring Grandpa back. Reassure her that Grandpa's dying was not her fault; nor, sadly, will Grandpa be back.
Your young child may reason: "If it happened to Grandpa, it can happen to me! Or to my parents! Reassure her that most people live a very long time, and that she will be taken care of for as long as she needs. Talk about the things you do to keep yourselves safe and healthy.
Getting through grief
A grieving child may become angry or aggressive, withdrawn or silent, tearful or fearful. He may have trouble sleeping, lose his appetite, or do poorly in school. Possibly, he may seem not even to have noticed. Accept your child's emotional response, whatever it is.
Let him know that when someone we love dies, it hurts—and that's very natural, because we miss that person so much. Encourage your child to talk about how he feels. Never belittle his loss or try to tell him what he should be feeling or for how long. Reassure him that, although it feels bad right now, someday it will be okay.
Don't try to protect your child from your own sad feelings. If your grief turns to tears, this lets your child see that death and sadness are natural parts of life. It also lets him know that it's safe to express these feelings in your family.
Boys sometimes do not get as much emotional support after a loss as do girls. Be sure to give your son permission to grieve and to cry. Don't expect him to "take it like a man"—he'll be a better man for letting himself feel it.
If you have panic disorder, this means you experience periodic panic attacks. Panic attacks are intense episodes of fear which are so powerful that they lead the person to fear that he/she is dying, going crazy, about to faint, or losing control of themselves in some vital way.
Panic attacks may be "uncued", or unexpected (i.e. they seem to "come out of the blue", occurring for no apparent reason). They can also occur in response to various cues such as entering a crowded area; a traffic jam; being the center of attention, etc.
Panic attacks can be part of a variety of anxiety disorders, and the fact that you have panic attacks does not necessarily mean you have panic disorder. For instance, if all your panic attacks are about social situations, you may have Social Phobia rather than Panic Disorder. Or you may be having panic attacks in response to some other problem. An evaluation by a qualified therapist can help you to make the distinction, and arrive at an accurate diagnosis.
The Symptoms
A panic attack can consist of many different symptoms, but among the most common are:
racing heart (also skipped heartbeats and "loud heart")
chest pain, tightness, and heaviness
dizziness and lightheadedness
numbness and tingling in the hands and feet
labored breathing, feeling short of breath, and hyperventilation
stomach and intestinal distress
racing thoughts and confusion
fear of some catastrophic breakdown, i.e., death or insanity
a strong impulse to flee
If you have PTSD, this generally means that:
you were a witness to, or involved in, an event that involved actual or threatened death or severe injury, either to you or to others (for instance, a car crash a murder or War such as Viet Nam, or middle east) .
you felt fear, helplessness, and horror at the event
you repeatedly re-experience some aspects of the event long after it is over ( for instance, you dream about it, or remember it vividly while awake), or feel like it is actually happening even while you are engaged in ordinary activities.
As a result, you would:
experience emotional upset and physical symptoms whenever you are reminded of the event.
try to avoid anything that reminds you of the event.
experience a variety of other symptoms such as disturbed sleep, irritabilty and problems with anger, poor concentration, always " feeling on edge", and tend to be easily startled.
If you have PTSD, it would cause significant problems in ordinary aspects of living such as work, family, and social life.
-------Bible Verses Useful in Warding off Anxiety-------
Several Bible verses remind us that no matter how anxiety-producing the situation, our God is with us.
I'm leaving you with a gift: peace of mind and heart! And the peace I give isn't fragile like the peace the world gives. So, don't be troubled or afraid. (John 14:27)
Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are mine. When you pass through the waters ... they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you. For I am the Lord your God" (Isaiah43:1-3).
He (God) comforts us whenever we suffer. That is why whenever other people suffer, we are able to comfort them by using the same comfort we have received from God. (2 Corinthians 1:34)
Blessed are those who mourn. They will be comforted. (Matthew 5:4)
Teaching them to observe all things whatsoever I have commanded you: and, lo, I am with you always, even unto the end of the world. Amen. (Matthew 28:20)
So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. (Isaiah 41:10)
I consider our present sufferings insignificant compared to the glory that will soon be revealed to us. (Romans 8:18)
Dear friends, don't be surprised by the fiery troubles that are coming in order to test you. Don't feel as though something strange is happening to you, but be happy as you share Christ's sufferings. Then you will also be full of joy when he appears again in his glory. (I Peter 4:12-13)
Ye are of God, little children, and have overcome them: because greater is He that is in you, than he that is in the world. (1 John 4:4)
Let not your heart be troubled. You are entrusting God, now trust in Me. (John 14: 1).
I will never fail you nor forsake you. (Heb. 13:5)
But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wing's as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint. (Isaiah 40:31)
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life. (Psalm 23:61).
God, who shows you his kindness and who has called you through Christ Jesus to his eternal glory, will restore you, strengthen you, make you strong, and support you as you suffer for a little while. (I Peter 5.-10)
He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There won't be any more death. There won't be any grief, crying, or pain, because the first things have disappeared. (Revelation 21:4)
There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love. (1 John 4:18)
Create in me a clean heart, a God; and renew a right spirit within me. (Psalm 51:10)
Come to me, all who are tired from carrying heavy loads, and I will give you rest. (Matthew 11:28)
If any of you are having trouble, pray. If you are happy, sing psalms. (James 5:13)
That is why we are not discouraged. Though outwardly we are wearing out inwardly we are renewed day by day. (2 Corinthians 4:16)
But he told me: "My kindness is all you need. My power is strongest when you are weak." So I will brag even more about my weaknesses in order that Christ's power will live in me. Therefore, I accept weakness, mistreatment, hardship, persecution, and difficulties suffered for Christ. It's clear that when I'm weak, I'm strong. (2 Corinthians 12.-9-10)
What if I don't fit any of these categories?
Please remember that the diagnostic categories described above are very imperfect. They come from a book called the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fourth Edition (DSM-IV). This book is an attempt to describe and label all the psychiatric disorders which a group of leading experts could agree upon. It is, therefore, the product of a committee, with all the short comings and compromises that implies. It gets revised every few years.
Do not be concerned if your experience of anxiety does not fit neatly into one of these descriptions. This is a common occurence. The committee recognized that this would happen, and so included a category of "Anxiety Disorder Not Otherwise Specified", among others, so as to include those whose symptoms do not fit neatly into the diagnoses as presently written.
The Bible talks of healing and also prevention of sickness and proper behavior for good health. Faith and forgivenss of sins is of key importance.
Bible verses
Explanation
Healing through Prayer and Faith
If it is too late to keep healthy because you are already sick, or your loved ones are sick, there is still hope. There is much to say about healing through faith.
Is any among you sick, let him call for the elders of the church, and let them pray over him, anointing him with oil in the name of the Lord;
and the prayer offered in faith will restore the one who is sick, and the Lord will raise him up, and if he has committed sins they will be forgiven him.
Therefore confess yours sins to one another, and pray for one another, so that you may be healed. The effective prayer of a righteous man can accomplish much.
James 5: 14-16 Getting someone who is faithful and righteous to pray for the sick one, is the key here. If you have enough faith yourself, you may be able to effectively pray, but I suggest you study up on faith and righeousness. Again the sins are associated with the sickness, they can be forgiven, but confession is in the formula.
He himself bore our sins in His body on the tree, so that we might die to sin and live for righteousness, by His wounds you have been healed.
1 Peter 2:24 Jesus is the "HE" in this verse. He was beaten and died for our sins, that we may become righteous and be healed.
But He was pierced for our transgressions, He was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was upon Him, and by His wounds we are healed.
Isaiah 53:5 Here it is in the Old Testament. The prophecy refers to Jesus who fulfilled at the beginning of our time. (That is the years refered to as A.D. that started our present calender time line.)
Then He touched their eyes and said, "According to your faith will it be done to you.";
and their sight was restored.
Matt. 9: 29,30 Almost every time a read about Jesus doing a healing it is because of Faith, If you ask God to do a healing for you, you have to believe, therefore I suggest you study up on Faith.
He said to her, "Daughter, your faith has healed you. Go in peace and be freed from your suffering.
Mark 5:34 Another example. Learn and practice faith.
Bless the Lord, Oh my soul and forget none of His benefits;
Who pardons all your iniquities and heals all you diseases.
Psalms 103: 2,3 Thank God and bless Him, give credit to Him for doing the job. They knew it thousands of years ago.
Summary and tips for Biblical healing
1)Confess your sins and change your ways. Look how many times God punishes with sickness in the Bible. Yet He protects those who obey. See the Health section.
2) Faith is needed for healing. If you don't have enough you have to get someone who does to help you. You can hopefully find them at a church, not always your own. You can learn how to increase your faith, some tips are on the Faith page.
3) You have to ask in order to receive. When you ask you have to believe God will help you. Believe in your heart. Ask yourself how you would feel if you were healed and start acting it out.
4) Memorize the healing verses above so you know them by heart. Tell them to yourself and God many times a day.
5) Mental rehease in your mind the desired outcome. This will help you feel it in your heart and see it in your mind.
6)Thank God for your healing, before it happens. Expect you are getting better.
7) I've seen instances were fairly good people, not nessesarily believers, get pretty sick, they didn't steal, or murder, or cheat that I know of, but became sick. I also know they did not acknowledge God and shunned Jesus as Lord. So they had no avenue for forgiveness and even the little sins coult fester in their body for years, which could cause sickness. Therefore confession and obtaining forgiveness should be done on a regular basis, so as not to let sin build up in your body.
The VVCS Heart Health Program seeks to promote health and wellbeing. It is a lifestyle enhancement program providing groups of a minimum of 10-15 Vietnam veterans with access to structured and supervised cardiovascular fitness training, supported by educational seminars.
The Heart Health Program is structured and time limited up to 12 months and aims to help and encourage veterans to:
increase heart health through regular exercise
establish healthier and sustainable lifestyle improvements
access appropriate ongoing heart health activities which are self directed; and
promote social contact
Educational sessions will cover a range of subjects such as diet and nutrition, stress management, cardiovascular health and other important aspects of physical and mental health. Partners may attend these sessions.
The Heart Health Program will be provided by suitably qualified and experienced health professionals.
This is a free program for all participants. Transport entitlements are not payable. For further information contact your local VVCS.
Veterans' line - 1- 800 - 827 - 1000 (Nationally)
What is Bipolar Disorder?
Bipolar disorder (also known as manic-depression) is a serious, lifelong medical condition. It affects more than 2 million people in the United States.
Bipolar disorder is a treatable illness. And when symptoms are treated, life can be better.
The exact cause of bipolar disorder is unknown. It’s a medical condition. Bipolar disorder may be related to a chemical imbalance in the brain, genetics, or abnormalities in brain structure.
People with bipolar disorder can have mood swings, including depression (extreme lows) and mania (extreme highs).
A period of depression or mania is called an episode. Individuals may experience episodes of depression or mania throughout life.
Episodes may be separated by long periods with few or no symptoms. To help keep bipolar disorder under control, medication is often taken even when few or no symptoms are present.
What are the types of episodes in bipolar disorder?
Depression
While most people feel sad or "down in the dumps" from time to time, people with bipolar disorder may have depression that is so severe they cannot function. They may not have the energy to get out of bed or to eat, and they do not enjoy the things they used to.
Bipolar depression can come back again. Worst of all, a person with bipolar depression may begin to think of suicide.
Mania
Mania is the other side of bipolar disorder. Episodes of mania can range from mild to severe or even mixed.
Mania can start with a pleasurable sense of high energy, creativity, and social ease. Soon it may progress to extreme highs, agitation, and irritability. Increased irritability can lead to arguments with family members and friends. Some individuals may even become violent.
Hypomania
Most of the symptoms of hypomania are the same as mania, but milder. A person may feel better than usual and may be more productive. But the "feel good" period can develop into full-blown mania or depression.
Mixed
During mixed episodes, symptoms of mania and depression occur at the same time or flip-flop throughout the day. People with mixed episodes may be at risk for suicide.
What are the types of bipolar disorder?
There are several types of mood disorders:
Bipolar I disorder (BP I) is the most common type of bipolar disorder, in which a person has one or more manic or mixed episodes. Often, individuals also had one or more depressive episode.
Bipolar II disorder (BP II) is a classification of bipolar disorder in which a person has one or more major depressive episodes and at least one episode of hypomania (a milder version of mania).
Cyclothymic disorder is a long-term fluctuating mood disturbance with periods of hypomanic and depressive symptoms.
What is rapid cycling?
Rapid cycling in bipolar disorder is defined as at least 4 episodes of a mood disturbance within a year. These mood swing episodes may be:
Manic
Mixed
Hypomanic
Depressive
The good news is that there are more treatment options for bipolar disorder today than ever before.
There are different components to treatment that you should know about:
Medication
Psychotherapy
Self-care
Electroconvulsive Therapy
Medication
There are several types of medication used to help control symptoms of bipolar disorder. Mood stabilizers are usually used long-term to help delay episodes of mania (extreme highs) or depression (extreme lows). Other medications may be used short-term to treat symptoms of mania or depression. Medications may be used alone or in combination with other therapies for treating bipolar disorder. Your healthcare provider may also prescribe other medications when you are unable to sleep, feel anxious or agitated, or are restless.
It may take a while for your medications to work. Regular blood tests are required with some medications. Ask your healthcare provider if they are required with your medication.
What works for one person may not work for someone else. That's why it's especially important to work with your healthcare provider to find a treatment, or a combination of treatments, that's right for you.
Electroconvulsive therapy (ECT)
This therapy can be very helpful for people who cannot tolerate or respond poorly to medications, or for people who are very ill. ECT can be life-saving in severe mania or depression.
Psychotherapy ("talk therapy" or counseling)
Psychotherapy is talking with a mental health professional about yourself, including your situation, relationships, and condition. It may help you learn how to make sense of your thoughts and feelings.
Psychotherapy is not just about getting answers or advice. It is a way to learn more about yourself and get information, support, and honest feedback—within a safe and private setting.
There are different settings for psychotherapy—some are one-on-one and some are in a group setting. Some types provide education and support. Others focus on learning about yourself or your relationships with others.
Psychotherapy can be an important part of treatment.
Just like with medications, people have different responses to psychotherapy. Talk with your healthcare provider to see if psychotherapy is right for you.
Choosing a therapist
Psychotherapy can be provided by a psychiatrist, psychologist, or other mental health professional (social worker, counselor/therapist). To help find a qualified professional for psychotherapy:
Ask your healthcare provider for a recommendation.
Call your local hospital for a list of therapists in your area.
If you have health insurance, ask for a list of therapists in your area. Check your benefits—the cost of psychotherapy may be covered.
If you are not satisfied with the care you receive, talk with your healthcare provider. Your health is what matters!
Self-care
You can take an active role in the treatment of your bipolar disorder. Focus on things you can do for yourself:
Learn more about your condition.
Recognize what triggers your episodes.
Track your symptoms.
Set up a system to help you keep track of your medications.
Talk with your healthcare provider to see if a support group is right for you.
1. Human Anger Is Normal and Not Necessarily Sinful. Human being were created in the Image of God and given emotions, including anger.This anger is a necessary and usefulemotion. It was seen in Jesus and is not sinful in and of itself.
2. Human Anger May Result From Faulty Perception. God is perfect, omniscient, and always a reaction of righteous indignation against some form of unrighteousness. Human beings, in contrast, are imperfect and we see each situation from our own perspectives. We are not always able to judge accurately between real injustice (as perceived accurately by an omniscient God) and apparent injustice. As a result, we sometimes become angry over issues that we think are wrongbut which, in fact, would not be considered wrong if we had all the facts.Sinful self-interest often causes our perceptions to be distorted. Because we feel vulnerable, threatened, or inclinded to be critical, we can misinterpret the actions of others and jump to angry, perhaps unjustified conclusions.
3.Human Anger Often Leads to Sin. Like other emotions, anger can be constructive (serving a useful purpose) or destructive. It can be Christ-honoring or it can be sunful. Paul's warning,"inyour anger do not sin," suggests that some expressions of anger are appropriate but others are normally wrong.
Sinful anger can be expressed in a variety of ways including vengeance, verbal abuse, dishonest sharing, and even a refusal to admit that one is angry.
4. Human Anger Can Be Controlled. It is unlikely that God would have instructed us to control anger if human anger control is impossible.Several Bible passages imply that control is possible and indicate how this can be done.
(a) Anger Must be Acknowledged. Before we can put away our bitterness, wrath, anger, and malice, we must admit, at least to ourselves, that such feelings exist.
(b) Outbursts Must be Restrained. The man or woman of God thin ks before reacting. There must be a quiet weighing of issues instead of a gushing forth of sinful verbal explosions.
Sometimes it is helpful to share one's burden of anger with a friend; it is always good to pour out one's feelings to God.
This verbal activity often leads to new perspectives that reduce or dissipate anger before it is expressed inappropriately and alow to harm others or damage relationships.
This is seen clearly in Psalm 73.
Anger
Heart Health
Let Go ---- Let God
Words of Comfort
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)
Panic Disorder
Telling your child about death
Lowering Your Stress Through Happiness
Dealing with Depression
1. Get Some Buddies
It works for Girl Scouts, depressives, and addicts of all kinds. I remember having to wake up my buddy to go pee in the middle of the night at Girl Scout camp. That was right before she rolled off her cot, out of the tent and down the hill, almost into the creek.
Our job as buddies is to help each other not roll out of the tent and into the stream, and to keep each other safe during midnight bathroom runs. My buddies are the six numbers programmed into my cell phone, the voices that remind me sometimes as many as five times a day: "It will get better."
Lifting each other up in prayer, and helping others is one of the best ways to get vision off self and need others needs.
2. Read Away the Craving
Books can be buddies too! And when you are afraid of imposing on others like I am, they serve as wonderful reminders to stay on course. When I'm in a weak spot, especially with regard to addictive temptations, I place a book next to my addiction object: the Big Book (the Bible) goes next to the liquor cabinet; Inspirational Scriptured gets clipped to the freezer (home to frozen Kit Kats, Twix, and dark chocolate Hershey bars).
3. Be Accountable to Someone
In the professional world, what is the strongest motivator for peak performance? The annual review (or notification of the pink slip). Twelve-step groups use this method--called accountability--to keep people sober and on the recovery wagon. Everyone has a sponsor, a mentor to teach them the program, to guide them toward physical, mental, and spiritual health.
Today several people together serve as my emotional "sponsor," keeping me accountable for my actions: Mike (my writing mentor), my therapist, my doctor, Fr. Dave, Deacon Moore, Eric, and my mom. Having these folks around to divulge my misdeeds to is like confession--
Prayer is the main key to recovery.
4. Predict Your Weak Spots
When I quit smoking, it was helpful to identify the danger zones--those times I most enjoying firing up lung rockets: in the morning with my java, in the afternoon with my java, in the car (if you've been my passenger you know why), and in the evening with my java and a Twix bar.
I jotted these times down in my "dysfunction journal" with suggestions of activities to replace the smokes: In the morning I began eating eggs and grapefruit, which don't blend well with cigs. I bought a Gospel tape to listen to in the car. An afternoon walk replaced the 3:00 smoke break. And I tried to read at night, which didn't happen (eating chocolate is more soothing).
5. Distract Yourself
Any addict would benefit from a long list of "distractions," activities than can take her mind off of a cig, a glass of Merlot, or a suicidal plot (during a severe depression). Some good ones: crossword puzzles, novels, e-mails, reading The Bible (a must!); walking the dog (pets are wonderful "buddies" and can improve mental health), card games, movies, "American Idol" (as long as you don't make fun of the contestants...bad for your depression, ); sports, de-cluttering the house (cleaning out a drawer, a file, or the garage...or just stuffing it with more stuff); crafts; gardening (even pulling weeds, which you can visualize as the marketing director that you hate working with); exercise; nature (just sitting by the water); and music (Gospel music, but I'd go classical at sometimes).
6. Sweat
Working out is technically an addiction for me (according to some lame article I read), and I guess I do have to be careful with it since I have a history of an eating disorder (who doesn't?). But there is no depression buster as effective for me than exercise. An aerobic workout not only provides an antidepressant effect, but you look pretty stupid lighting up after a run (trust me, I used to do it all the time and the stares weren't friendly) or pounding a few beers before the gym. I don't know if it's the endorphins or what, but I just think--even pray--much better and feel better with sweat dripping down my face.
7. Start a Project
Here's a valuable tip I learned in the psych ward--the fastest way to get out of your head is to put it in a new project--compiling a family album, knitting a blanket, coaching Little League, heading a civic association, planning an Earth Day festival, auditioning for the local theatre, taking a course at the community college.
I also signed up for a tennis class, because I'm thinking ahead and when the kids go off to college, Eric and I will need another pastime in addition to reading about our kids on Facebook.
8. Keep a Record
One definition of suffering is doing the same thing over and over again, each time expecting different results. It's so easy to see this pattern in others: "Katherine, for God's sake, Barbie doesn't fit down in the drain (it's not a water slide)" or the alcoholic who swears she will be able to control her drinking once she finds the right job. But I can be so blind to my own attempts at disguising self-destructive behavior in a web of lies and rationalizations.
That's why, when I'm in enough pain, I write everything down--so I can read for myself exactly how I felt after I had lunch with the person who likes to beat me up as a hobby, or after eight weeks of a Marlboro binge, or after two weeks on a Hershey-Starbucks diet. Maybe it's the journalist in me, but the case for breaking a certain addiction, or stopping a behavior contributing to depression, is much stronger once you can read the evidence provided from the past.
9. Be the Expert
The quickest way you learn material is by being forced to teach it. I adamantly believe that you have to fake it 'til you make it. And I always feel less depressed after I have helped someone who is struggling with sadness. It's the twelfth step of the twelve-step program, and a cornerstone of recovery. Give and you shall receive. The best thing I can do for my brain is to find a person in greater pain than myself and to offer her my hand. If she takes it, I'm inspired to stand strong, so I can pull her out of her funk. And in that process, I am often pulled out of mine.
10. Grab Your Security Item
Everyone needs a blankie. Okay, not everyone. Mentally ill recovering addicts like myself need a blankie, a security object to hold when they get scared or turned around. The Word of God reminds me that the most important things are sometimes invisible to the eye: like faith, hope, and love. When I doubt all goodness in the world--and accuse God of a bad creation job--I simply close my eyes and get back to the Lord in prayer.
Overcoming Discouragement
Hounded by the fiend known as discouragement, most or all of us have at one time or other been tempted to yield to its tenacious ways. When tempted to do so, we must ask ourselves some pertinent questions: What is the outcome of yielding to discouragement? Will it bear lasting peace? Will it help us grow in grace? Will it produce God's purposes in our lives?
Surely, as we ponder these questions, the Holy Spirit will reveal that yielding to discouragement produces negative outcomes. It never brings lasting peace, helps us grow in grace, or produces God's purposes in our lives.
Aided by this revelation, we ultimately need to understand that discouragement is a tool used by our spiritual enemies for a most obvious reason, to eliminate us as effective witnesses and warriors for the kingdom of God. So, when tempted to yield to discouragement, no matter how difficult the challenges appear, we must stand fast in our faith in God's promises of deliverance. We do this knowing that faith is the victory that overcomes those obstacles arrayed against us (1 John 5:4, NKJV).
To help us stand in faith there are things we need to know. We need to recognize that our enemies use strategies in tempting us to yield to discouragement. One of those strategies involves a lack of patience. Another involves our not focusing on the source of our strength, Christ. These two things, a lack of patience and not maintaining focus, perhaps cause believers to yield to discouragement as much or more than any other factors. Thus, it is imperative that we understand something about them.
Hebrews 6:11-12 (NKJV) tells us, "And we desire that each of you show the same diligence to the full assurance of hope until the end, that you do not become sluggish, but imitate those who through faith and patience inherit the promises." Note that it does not say that we inherit promises through faith alone, but we inherit them through faith and patience.
Patience is makrothumia (mak-roth-oo-me-ah). "The word denotes lenience, forbearance, fortitude, patient endurance, longsuffering. Also included in makrothumia is the ability to endure persecution and ill-treatment" ("Word Wealth," New Spirit Filled Life Bible).
Proverbs 24:10 (NKJV) tell us, "If you faint in the day of adversity, your strength is small." When our strength is small, there are reasons for it. One of those reasons is a lack of patience. When we are impatient we lack fortitude and forbearance. Rather than remaining steadfast in trials and tribulations, our faith begins to waver. Once wavering, discouragement begins to invade our lives. We become marked by hopelessness and a lack of confidence.
Knowing this about an absence of patience, it is easy to understand the admonition and wisdom of Hebrews 10:35-36 (Amplified), "Do not, therefore, fling away your fearless confidence, for it carries it carries a great and glorious compensation of reward. For you have need of steadfast patience and endurance, so that you may perform and fully accomplish the will of God, and thus receive and carry away [and enjoy to the full what is promised." Clearly, this passage too points to the value of patience and endurance.
James 1:2-4 (NKJV) gives us more understanding regarding the value of patience. We read, "My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience (endurance or perseverance). But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing."
Counting it all joy when falling into a trial, that concept appears out of favor with much of the body of Christ today. That is not surprising, for much has been taught about overcoming trials and tribulations, but little is said about their benefit. Trials and tribulations that involve the testing of our faith benefit us in that they produce the fruit of patience, endurance, or perseverance.
Once evident, this patience has the ability to produce much needed growth. The Amplified Version of verse 4 gives us insight as to the nature of this growth, "But let endurance and steadfastness and patience have full play and do a thorough work, so that you may be [people] perfectly and fully developed [with no defects], lacking in nothing." We see that patience, if allowed to have full play, will do in us a thorough work. A thorough work equates to our being perfectly and fully developed for the tasks ahead. Developed so, it becomes much more difficult for our enemies to grasp us with discouragement.
In addition to a lack of patience, many of us fall prey to discouragement due to a lack of focus. By focus we refer to the fact that we should habitually set our minds "on things above, not on the things on earth (Colossians 3:2, NKJV). Yet, what we so often do instead is meditate upon the trials and tribulations confronting us. By doing so we experience a predatory kind of tunnel vision. Focused only on the challenges, rather than Christ, we are robbed of peace, joy, and confidence. Eventually, we find ourselves sinking ever deeper into the mire that is discouragement.
Knowing the negative effects of a lack of focus, the purpose of the admonition found in Philippians 4:8 (Amplified) becomes quite clear. We read, "For the rest, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is worthy of reverence and is honorable and seemly, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely and lovable, whatever is kind and winsome and gracious, if there is any virtue and excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think on and weigh and take account of those things [fix your minds on them]."
When in the midst of trials and tribulations and tempted to be discouraged, we would also do well to remember the words of Isaiah 26:3-4 (NKJV), "You will keep him in perfect peace, whose minds is stayed on You, because he trusts in You. Trust in the Lord forever, for in Yah, the Lord, is everlasting strength." Perfect peace and everlasting strength are available to us when, instead of yielding to discouragement, we maintain our focus upon God.
Furthermore, Jesus told us in John 16:33 (Amplified), "I have told you these things, so that in Me you may have [perfect] peace and confidence. In the world you have tribulation and trials and distress and frustration; but be of good cheer [take courage; be confident, certain, undaunted]! For I have overcome the world. [I have deprived it of power to harm you and have conquered it for you.]" Again, we are reminded that we can have perfect peace and maintain confident faith as we focus upon God.
In Hebrews 12:1-2 (NKJV) we read, "Therefore we also, since we surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin that so easily ensnares us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith, who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God."
As we meditate upon this passage, the words endurance and looking should captivate our attention. Endurance is hupomone (hoop-om-on-ay). Thayer tells us hupomone refers to "steadfastness, constancy, and endurance." Looking is aphorao (af-or-ah-oh). "The word signifies undivided attention, looking away from all distractions in order to fix one's gaze on one object. Aphorao in Hebrews 12:2 is having eyes for no one but Jesus" ("Word Wealth," New Spirit Filled Life Bible).
If we are to avoid discouragement, we must lay aside the weights or encumbrances and sins that so easily beset us. We must run our race with steadfastness, constancy and endurance. We must give our undivided attention not to the distracting trials and tribulations facing us. Instead, we must fix our gaze upon Jesus. In doing so the words of Hebrews 10:36 (Amplified) will become experiential to us, "For you have need of steadfast patience and endurance, so that you may perform and fully accomplish the will of God, and thus receive and carry away [and enjoy to the full what is promised." By doing so we will overcome the temptation to become discouraged.
Using sex to get her way is a familiar ploy of the sitcom female. She threatens her mate with "the couch" if she doesn't get what she's after. Or she'll make him happy if he does her bidding. Either way, he's at her mercy. In real life, however, using sex as reward or punishment isn't funny.
Power—or powerlessness—is usually what leads people to withhold sex or mete out sex at their discretion. Some may want total control. Others find it's the only sense of control they have. Most times, a withdrawal from sex is only the tip of a problem that is truly an iceberg.
"Power struggles are a normal part of every relationship," says Lonnie Barbach, Ph.D., a San Francisco therapist and co-author of Going the Distance: Finding and Keeping Life-long Love. "But if you feel a lack of sexual desire, it means you've gotten to a secondary stage and it's usually something that needs to be dealt with."
When Sex Isn't Pleasurable
According to the Masters and Johnson Institute in St. Louis, Missouri, one third of couples have problems of inhibited sexual desire, or ISD. Sex is naturally a pleasure, says Institute Director Mark Schwartz, Sc.D. People shouldn't force themselves to feel sexual any more than they should force themselves to enjoy a hot fudge sundae.
"Never 'service' your partner out of a sense of duty or guilt," says Schwartz. It is important for each person's needs to be respected. "All human beings are in a process of growth," he says. "A relationship based on the role of the woman as an object can't last."
In the 19th century, the idea that a woman could refuse to have sex with her husband was a radically feminist concept. Many feminists in the 19th century, in fact, opposed birth control and abortion because they wanted to establish the right of women to abstain from sex even in marriage. Abstinence was still the most effective method of birth control, and abortion wasn't readily available or safe.
But the post-sexual revolution era has provided women with many birth control options, so that most women need not fear pregnancy. And, although the risks of AIDS and other diseases are real, they're usually not paramount for monogamous and married couples. Today, very few people question anyone's right to decline sex, even in marriage. But couples should be aware that when one partner has begun to withhold sex or give in to sex as a duty, there is something amiss in the relationship that must be addressed.
"If you can negotiate whether or not you want to sleep with the window open, you can learn to negotiate disparate sexual desires," Schwartz says. Other couples may need to pursue therapy or may even need to end the relationship.
A Woman's Problem?
In TV sitcoms, it's usually the woman who uses sex to manipulate her man. Schwartz finds that many women who begin to reject their role as a sexual object also begin to find sex distasteful. Although sexual desire is as natural as hunger and thirst, we have an extraordinary ability to control sex. Historically, before women had other sources of power, such as money, they often called the shots sexually. Barbach notes that a woman who constantly has to ask her husband for help with housework may begin to feel helpless and used and won't feel much like making love. "After all, he's holding the power by refusing something," Barbach says. "Withholding is a very powerful position."
But, according to Patricia Pitta, a Manhasset, New York psychologist, as women have gained financial freedom and other power over areas of their lives, some men have begun to use sex as a way of communicating strength they feel they don't otherwise possess.
What to Do?
Even if sexual ploys garner the desired attention or win some other battle for its perpetrator, the real problems go unsolved. Feelings of disappointment, anger, and frustration begin to take over. Sex, which should be enjoyable on a physical, emotional, and even spiritual level, is degraded.
"When you use sex as a power tool, it interferes with the pleasure and togetherness it could bring to the relationship," Pitta says. "The beauty of the sexual experience is terribly impeded."
For those who are tempted to use sex or who have felt helpless enough to use sex to gain control, it's important to stop and ask why. In many cases, couples will benefit from therapy to help them repair the relationship. This can be a good opportunity to work out many unresolved issues. Many people will find that power struggles or definitions of roles from their own families are cropping up in the relationship.
"The good news is that marital therapy is quite sophisticated these days," Schwartz said. "Couples can really transform their relationship, especially if they start early enough."
Intimacy in the 90s
In some cases, couples have a healthy relationship, but only outside the bedroom. This can be a problem in the long-term monogamous relationship, especially for couples busy with careers and children. Fatigue, familiarity, and pressure can leave them vulnerable. They may see their declining sex life as a symbol of a decline in their relationship.
"Sex sometimes becomes just something you do because you're supposed to—a habit," Schwartz says. "Despite running split shifts, a lot of people think they're supposed to feel sexual."
Therapy can also help these overcommitted, overworked couples. But for them the goal isn't so much a search for the root cause of a power struggle, but finding the time and energy to spark things up again. "The greatest challenge confronting monogamous relationships today is maintaining the sexual passion," Barbach said. "A couple needs to set aside time... making your partner and your sex life a priority."
